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anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity
what i’m wearing: h&m cream blazer, zero uv sunglasses, daniel wellington classic sheffield watch & Rupi Kaur’s poetry book ‘Milk & Honey’
if you’d like your own daniel wellington watch, use ‘befrassy’ for 15% off
This is life these days, the swishing sound my iphone makes when I send an email – a cheerful ‘sent with my iphone’ signature whirls into a flurry of dozens as I sit between shoots, between projects – working on one while thinking about another. By the time I do sit down at my computer, I’m too tired to type – so my office has become portable, in my pocket and buzzing in my purse all day long. And between all that, reading – reading as much as I can, absorbing words because they help me write. Coffee, a slick of lipstick (honeylove by mac to be precise) and then I’m off onto the next thing. Time, it’s driving me crazy, I cannot get enough of it. I crave it, I’m time thirsty but it’s in limited defined supply. Now, I know, I’m aware…bloggers are busy or so they say, all the time, all day long. I do my best to not be so typical – but I’m here to tell you, I’m struggling with this thing called time. I spend too long on projects, I know. I re-shoot and re-think into a circle, I know. I skip on sharing a lot of the shoots I work on, I know, it’s time wasted. My problem is, most of what I produce for this so called career I somehow forged in blogging – which expands into freelance writing as well as photography – is that everything I do comes from a personal creative place. It’s stamped with my name and so I tend to take everything a little too seriously, not so much blogging as an industry – but the content I create. I agonize and analyze – a far cry from the beginning back in my university days when I’d happily pose next to the rubbish heap that collected in my shoddy back garden (does anyone remember that? if not, here’s a photo). And the photos & words that do show here, rarely am I happy with them. Perhaps its chronic dissatisfaction combined with arrogance, a deadly merger of emotions – hating every photo I take, every word I write all the while determined I’m talented enough to do something better, something incredible. And then there is the self-consciousness I have begun to feel with blogging, is it all too commercial, too shopping driven? Is it a good outlet for the creativity I want to develop in some way? I can’t compete with these girls with mega instagram followings, thousands generated from rewardstyle links paired with photos I would never deem worthy to appear online. And yet I love blogging, or my version of it – and I’ve stuck to it like glue, which has melted and morphed into what Frassy is now – but sometimes I can’t help but feel confused – there isn’t enough time, there are too many projects and I’m putting all I have into every single one of them. But, what’s next for me? Or is this it? Will anyone ever publish my book? Will time slow to a pause so my focus can spread and land elsewhere? I want you to know, I’m happy, Frassy is a joy – but I want more. More pause, more creativity and more satisfaction in all that I do. Here’s hoping I get there, some day, eventually…gradually, when there is time.
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