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wonders & weird tendencies

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

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I have to say, I never want to be idolized or stand up as an example for you women. That is too much responsibility and I’m too clueless, too naive and too stupid to live up to that. Perhaps, parts of my life, or my writing or my wardrobe inspire you, yes that I hope. However, I make mistakes, plenty of them, too many, all the time, almost everyday. I see this as a friendship, and so when I divulge some of the more idiotic things I do, I see it as me confirming that we are just that, friends. I like to confess here, in fact ,  it is a solace I seek,  all of my closest friends live in other countries and I’m pretty sure my parents get tired of my twice daily calls. And so I cherish you and I tell you things because I trust I can without judgement. . It makes me sad when people call me out on my honest reflections, it is just that sort of animosity that encourages us as women to keep quiet, especially bloggers.

But I want you to read what I write and believe that if we met in real, we’d be able to sit and talk for hours. One wondering woman to another. I promise I am just like you, maybe the only difference is that I might have more clothes, but what on earth does that matter? I feel sad and too fat sometimes just like you probably do. I wonder if I’ll ever be rich.  I spend too much time worrying if my boyfriend will crush my heart in two. I worry I’m not good at sex. Sometimes he says he really nice things to me and I don’t know what to say so I say nothing at all, thus convincing myself I’m a strange rude freak who doesn’t deserve such a nice man. I am terrible, disgracefully terrible at texting people back. I slip out of plans I make like a ghost, which drives the people I love crazy. Sometimes they really hate me.

I look at the same Chloe bag once a week and never buy it. Sometimes, I don’t eat enough because I’m so anxious; I suffer terribly from anxiety, not always but when it comes, it is crippling in a way you wouldn’t know because I don’t like to talk about it. I go to bed far too late most nights.  I cried in a cab the other day when an Artful Dodger song came on, which meant meeting my friend with mascara drizzling down my chin. The song made me miss my early twenties and it made me realize, I’m getting older and that this beautiful youth of mine is slowly slipping by.  I still have arguments with one of my ex boyfriends who is just a friend and I have no idea why.

I can be so shy meeting certain types of people, closing up like an awkward little clam backing up into a corner of whatever room I find myself in.  I sweat more than most people, well at least, I think. I’ve been going to tan  at the sun beds, which is terrible for my skin, I know but the mirror was yelling at me in that terrible way it does. Sometimes I enjoy being rude to men I don’t know, which is a horrible enjoyment but men, over the years have made me a little bit bitter. I have really big feet and too small ankles and you can tell me I don’t but I do and I think about it too often. I could go on and on about all my wonders and weird tendencies, I guess we all could. But I’ll leave it at that but with love and the always promise of more tomorrow and the next day and the day after that too.


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