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speaking my truths

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

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I am finding it hard to write the way I want to write; being too aware of my words slows them to a halt, where I find myself hesitant to type anything at all. Perhaps you don’t see the problem, but it’s a price I pay for being so raw and personal here. Many people, mostly acquaintances and men especially,  have analysed and picked through the words I write here, chaotically piecing together truths about me of their own. But I never cared because for them I didn’t care.

Usually the people I love are the individuals who enjoy what I write here the most, perhaps because they know me and can recognize what I share to be representative of who I am. But at times, pivotal people in my life do take issue with what I type here and I cannot help but throw my hands in the air, exasperated and whispering ‘why’. So I find myself furiously typing to then delete, considering the weight of each word and how it might affect this person or that person I love.  A good writer writes for their heart not for their audience – and that is precisely how the words spill here, spontaneously and without considering if they will be ‘well received’. I cannot surrender my writing, I cannot reduce it to something less prone to analysis, less easy to judge or read into.  I just cannot. It would be dishonest to me and to you. Because I love to write and I love to write how I write.

Sure, my words are messy and sometimes nonsensical but they are real and a reflection of everything I am. I could offer you hollow inspirational quips or mundane detailing into my life or perhaps smart shopping tips – but I don’t have those in my soul and those are not topics I would discuss with any friend. And you? You are a friend, you’ve been here for long enough to know that. I speak my truths and they are a big mess because I’ve always been a mess. So my words won’t change, they will grow I hope, but no, they cannot shrink into something more clean or more comfortable to read.  And let me be clear, this isn’t a message to anyone but myself- everything I write here comes with no consideration for anyone. All I honour is my honesty and with it, I tell my stories. I’m a mess but my mantras aren’t and within my chaos lies personal truth. That’s the only promise I can commit to as a writer, as a blogger and as a woman.


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