WHAT I’M WEARING: PRIMARK BLAZER, PRIMARK NAVY BRA, PRIMARK MARL GREY WRAP BLOUSE,
PRIMARK WHITE SKINNY JEANS, PRIMARK WHITE PLATFORM SNEAKERS & PRIMARK ROSE GOLD AVIATORS
It’s been the longest I think I’ve ever gone without posting, sharing here is usually a daily ritual but in the last 10 days, I went to Paris, I went to Rome and my relationship ended. I was so senselessly, chaotically in love with this man. But on Wednesday night, after a few sentences shared on the sidewalk of the corner of my street, it all went away. I’ve been limp ever since, ricocheting between an intense-verging-on-insane forced happiness and a quiet haze where the whole world falls away.There are moments when I’m proactive and others where I can barely pull myself off the floor. As you know, I decided to be alone for an entire year, engaging only very casually with men on first dates and perhaps a second if they weren’t utterly intolerable. So to open up finally after 365 days alone to then watch it crash so quickly? It has shattered my hopes. I am more cynical than ever. And hurt, I am very hurt and that is a brutal honesty I wouldn’t ever want him to know. With pain comes pessimism and I am more cynical than ever. In every year of my 27 on earth, my disappointment with men expands, it is in fact an infinite horizon of dashed hopes and abandoned fantasies. And I’m disappointed with myself too, for reasons I will soon explain. But ultimately, I wish I had something more inspiring to say. We all have had to pick up the pieces of our hearts and it sucks, quite literally, it sucks the air out of us. In time I will find strength and my words will mirror that but for now, I swear to the sky that I will stop getting carried away with men, its too much to take when it all falls away. I will be more prudent and less flimsy with the emotions I nurture. There are only so many times I can go through this, in the same way I can’t spend all my money, emotive flippancy could leave me broke, depleted with nothing but a zero to give or to hold.
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