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dappled & flecked in a way

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

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The trees have grown thick green again, I love how they suddenly swell out, lusty and leafy, turning the sunlight flecked and dappled all over the streets. Barcelona is so beautiful this time of year and when I walk home from the gym or a drink , I feel wildly alive to live here. Springtime was a switch up, I’m hanging out in other parts of town now, laughing with new people and wondering why I didn’t do all these things all winter. I used to feel lonely in this city, now I don’t at all. There are always people to meet, girls I could be friends with and men that might like to drink coffee in the mornings with me.  And between that? There are my running shoes for solace and the beach that has begun to tempt as the temperatures swing up. So many revelations surfaced for me as the seasons swapped, I’ve clutched at them all, devoting myself to their lessons in hopes I don’t trip into the same mistakes again. And while 30 looms only 3 years away, I’m still so foolishly young and I’m still growing up. Foolish things like owning a dishwasher and saving money bolster my somewhat desperate attempts to assertively define myself as an ‘adult’ but then I go an behave like a little girl, chucking my heart wherever it lands and so on. I feel no shame in proclaiming I’m still a kid and there is so much in me and around me that I need to figure out. ‘Be right back, I’m a work in progress’ will faithfully be how I feel right now and all the way to 60 I believe. I think I’m too eager sometimes, too keen, too determined and I sprint ahead without thinking of what I’m shedding as I keep striving. I am so often derailed by the passion that runs through me, boundlessly and as naturally as the air in my lungs. And when it comes to men? I have no idea. I am as confused as ever, they were much simpler when they awkwardly hovered in hopes of kissing me at school but my hands were too full with books. I love to be alone but I also adore the company of a man, and that’s a conflict that usually spins to chaos. I just don’t know, that is all I know. And in that ignorance lies so many things, a million whats if, the smiles of men on the sidewalks and my somewhat curious craving of their attention all the time. I make no sense, I realize. But I feel boisterous and happy to be here, there and all over this city, if all amounts to nothing, at least it will be a spring of memories. I’m a chaser of those, I seek them and I collect them and lately, there have been many. There are so many people to meet and there is infinite happiness inside me, a joy mixed with immaturity but how liberating to let go and realize, I still need to grow and about most things, even myself, I simply don’t know. It’s okay to feel confused, it’s alright to need time, it’s perfectly fine to be dappled and flecked, it’s beautiful in a way, just like that spring sunlight. You and I? We are sunlight and even through our mistakes, we shine bright.


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