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an inkling, a home

Monday, June 20, 2016
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They say there is one summer that changes you and this one is surely mine. Without friends and lacking geographical loyalty, I’ve found myself etching  an inkling of permanency here in Barcelona, as visible as a footprint in sand, suggesting that maybe, just maybe, perhaps this is home in a way no other city has ever felt. Now, you all know how nomadic I am; my opinion on where to live feels as casual as a drink order. I have no fear in packing up and starting all over again, which makes the entire world an endless, ever spinning temptation. And while I’m decidedly detached like dust, somehow between March and mid-June, I settled into a corner and called it my own. I feel like we all need to build a fort for our lives, but mine always felt like the ones I made as a kid with the cushions from the living room sofas. Soft, easily moved and prone to collapsing. Expat existence does seem glamorous but the concept of home was one I’ve struggled with for most of my life, in that nothing ever felt permanent and perhaps it was my lack of base that caused so much of the ever-hovering anxiety in my life.  So, to feel like my feet are an inch closer to the ground than they ever were before is  reassuring in a way I can’t quite explain. Quite like sinking into bed after a sleepless night; a cushiony comfort you quietly craved. So here’s to the summer that is changing me, even if I found home just for the season, it’s reassuring to know I am capable of emotions other than restlessness. Which is how I usually, always feel. As for life otherwise? It’s been magical and only seems to enchant me further as we move along into the summer. It’s been chaotic and crowded with friends from all over sleeping on my sofa bed and floors. There’s been a house party and a spontaneous night on a hotel rooftop. We went to Sonar festival and the beach; crusty towels in heaps all over the house which is more of a joy than a nuisance.  I’ve been falling in love too with a man. If I had known  all along that there was a man like him in this world, I’m certain I wouldn’t have tried so hard with so many toads. I am doing everything I can to keep him, I’m horribly good at running away from not only places but people too. It’s all part of the forever restlessness I suppose, but not this summer, no for the first time ever, I found a home. Should it stay or go, I don’t know. It’s just a beautiful thing to look around or hold his hand and find a feeling I never thought I would, of belonging in my own quiet way, of knowing this is mine and I have a place on earth that won’t collapse tomorrow. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t wake up with the urge to run or roam. I’m at home.


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