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4 new dating lessons

Thursday, March 29, 2018


independence isn’t an accomplishment anymore

You’ll never be congratulated or celebrated in this world for being an independent woman. I might stand on my own two feet, pay all my own bills, manage myself entirely. Undeniably, it’s hard work and some days, I might lie on the floor, overwhelmed, worried, stressed and pining for a sugar daddy, and yet no one ever will say ‘well done’. I used to expect this compliment, but men don’t prioritize this quality in women and my fellow women are too busy fighting their own battles, and after all why should we as women be celebrated for doing shit for ourselves? We’ve evolved, it’s part of being a female now. We’re powerful, strong and capable of doing everything alone. I realized honouring this strength while expecting it to impress others was a conflict in my feminist beliefs. Ofcourse it’s not impressive, in the same way being able to walk isn’t impressive. This is who we are as women now. As soon as I abandoned the idea of my independence as being an accomplishment, I found a peace I can’t quite explain. Because ultimately, it’s not an accomplishment but crucial in existing as a woman in the world today. It’s no longer an option and nor should there be applause for living life all on your own as a female. Applause marks it’s as something not all of us can do. But we can and we do.


i am not heartless

For a while, especially after last summer, I started to fear I had lost my heart somewhere, that over time it had sealed itself closed and resistant to men. I ran through dates at sprint speed, some of which I enjoyed incredibly but without emotional attachment. I could glide back into my single life seamlessly and I did time and time again. I began to worry that I was part of the modern dating dilemma, always searching for a new thrill, a new story and never sticking around to truly discover someone. It was a quiet guilt I carried in my pockets. And then sponatenously I met a man, okay, two to be honest who I really liked, both of whom I’m sure I could have easily fallen in deep love with. Neither of them worked out for boring, underwhelming reasons ; both were still boys not men and indeed both fierce contrubutors to the problems we as singles face these days with internet dating. But I’m not bitter, genuinely, because after years, I got a good glimpse at my heart. There it was and it is indeed capable. I’m not the Tin Man after all , no, I have love inside me, willing and ready, it simply hasn’t found the right target and that my friends, is a huge relief. I think the constant let downs of modern dating make us as women doubt ourselves and I did just that, but realizing I was open to love taught me about myself but ultimately, it gave me hope. And isn’t hope what fuels every first date? So here I am and I keep going.


most men are confused

We as women have evolved in recent years, more so than ever, we are full of power and strength. Obviously this thrills me. I’m proud of my sex and the way we have challenged the limitations patriarchy forced upon us for so long. However, many men are still struggling to adapt to this rise in our female strength. In fact, shockingly most men I’ve met and I meet my fair share, are absolutely intimidated by me. Perhaps not at first but eventually it surfaces. Now anyone who knows me in real life will testify to how un-intimidating I am. I’m goofy, clumsy, I talk too much about nothing at all. I’m rarely cool and collected and yet a lot of men have told me ‘you’re too much’.  I’m hardly a CEO or owner of a mansion, yacht and vacation villa in St Tropez. Which leads me to this, how do the super powerful women of this world cope with dating? It must be close to impossible. I feel for them because little, weird me is somehow overpowering. What? Why? How? It will always be me pushing my number onto a man, suggesting a coffee or brunch and if I don’t text, he won’t take initiative. It is enough to make me scream. Then of course I’ve watched men I dated run to the needy women; who really and I hate to say it;  make this battle we as females are fighting, harder than it should be. You can’t wear a ‘we should all be feminists’ tee and then be aghast when a man expects you to pay for your own pancakes. And yet, I see so many women doing just that. So while we might be fiercer, men are more confused than ever, and it makes them less attractive than ever. They have always been the late bloomers of the sexes and so, I do believe many of them are still trying to readjust to our increasing strength. But that doesn’t mean I have any patience for it. I’ve learnt that any man who finds me overwhelming is lost. At almost 30, I have my values established and anyone who cannot cope with that is not someone I want to invest time in. And if a humble weirdo with a small website who wants to split the check is ‘too much’ well than he simply is ‘not enough’. End of. I will continue to pay for my own pancakes until I meet a man whose not suspiciously asking how I managed to afford the Louis Vuitton bag by my feet.


sex shouldn’t make you feel guilty

For decades, we as women were taught to save ourselves for that’ special someone’. Eyeroll. Sex is important to me, it’s an electric physical connection and  like most things, the more you do it, the better you’ll become but also, the more atuned you’ll become to your own sexuality. AND NEWS ALERT, your own sexuality as a woman has nothing to do with a man, it has to do with what you define as good sex, what makes you feel good, what fulfills this undeniable urge we all have as humans. I believe an active, shame free sex life dissolves our role as passive in the sexual context. For a long time we as women were merely the objects of sexuality, more so than ever we have our own role in sex and it isn’t one motivated by simply pleasing men. Now, I’m not saying sleep with everyone. Not at all. Don’t do that. Mostly because it isnt healthy, mentally or physically. And be sure to never use sex as validation of your attractiveness because that’s a slippery slope. Don’t do that either. True self-love will never come from how a man views you, but how you view yourself, please remember that.   Similary,  don’t ever feel guilty for sleeping with someone you like if the mood was right. You don’t have to wait until you know he’s the one. Considering the minefield that is modern dating, chances are, he won’t be ‘the one’, but does that matter? As long as you were safe,  as long as it was consensual and you  enjoyed yourself,  there should be no regret. The term ‘walk of shame’ similarly needs to be banished, instead leave his house, enjoy a coffee somewhere cute and congratulate yourself for the fun you had. Sex is not shameful for us as women. Life is short and sex is great. I believe sex plays a huge role in a healthy relationship, so I see no problem in discovering sex, becoming familiar with all its variations – that way when and if you do meet the one, you’ll have the experience to know and appreciate how fun he is sexually. I’ve berated myself in the past for sleeping with someone, believing I shouldn’t have , but I’ve since realized that that  is simply a regret society ingrained in me. As soon I started challenging that, I found some peace and had more fun. That’s not to say I  sleep with everyone, I feel like I should clarify that I don’t, mostly because most men I meet I couldn’t be paid to have sex with but also because if the physical energy is lacking, I’d rather sleep in my own bed with Biba instead.

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