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Autumnal Ailments of the Heart

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

These flowers and this sweater big enough to sleep under were two tiny but mighty solaces that arrived unexpectedly in my life this week. And it’s these small joys I’ve been relying on to patch up the splotches of worry that can so quickly taint an entire day. Summer ending always stirs a spell of restlessness in me, the mood sunk worse this year by a stormy love life. I can’t help but think we call it ‘falling’ in love because it’s just that, a semi-collapse of who we were alone.

And isn’t it ironic? Love is so hard to find and then when we finally stumble upon it, an outer force of some kind, be it a person or a situation, tries to veer it off course? Entire TV series, novels and oscar winning movies rotate on that plot alone. Thankfully this time around, I’m wiser, there’s solidity in my soul, I’ve filled in the sketches that draw the definition of who I am, I can deal with conflict better. That’s not to say I cope with it well, not at all, but it’s simply and maybe only slightly improved.

Half of me cannot believe that just a few weeks away from 30, I still have not found a man I can trust, the other half of me knew it would always be this way. Do I have trust issues? I ask myself. Well yes, ofcourse I do because a handful of men delivered them to me like a gift I’d like to return over the years. And yes, ‘don’t allow your past to define your present’, I hear that in my mind too but our experiences are what shape us, they hold most of the knowledge we have of this world – so what’s a woman to do? Blindly sprint into man in hopes of ourunning her past, knocking out too any obstacle that might have surfaced? Or does she turn the other way and walk calmly down the quieter path of ‘what if I stayed?’ – wondering if she made a mistake until she meets someone new. Love sweeps in again, and we’re back to the conundrum I face today. How ridiculously pessimistic, I know!

If you’re looking for digital romance a la disney, there are plenty of insagram feeds and influencers who offer that. I cannot, I am terrible at love and often I wonder if women like me will ever be able to fling themselves blindly into a relationship. You see there’s only so many arguments a couple can have, they accelerate and then dissolve into the conclusion that damn, there’s isnt a solution here, should we just go to bed? And so, I’ve moved past the fights, trying to abandon the problem and life together has gone back to what it was.

We eat dinner together every night, the ‘are you at the gym’ or ‘leaving work’ texts have circled back into their daily rota and instead we argue about what series to watch or who gets the bigger part of the bed. But it’s in my head, not all the time but some of the time. And I cannot let it go. Let’s just say, the scenario, the obstacle is where he works – a place he goes everyday. I can’t help but worry when part of my heart, a component of happiness I found is on the line. And the problem isn’t big enough to end it, but not small enough to just forget.

So the two directions , to stay or to go? It doesn’t seem to apply here, I’m stuck somewhere in between, hoping it will work out but knowing it probably won’t. And as the seasons start to change, as the heat of summer makes way for cooler days, I can’t help but wonder if with it, my relationship might go too. I have no idea. But I am worried. And if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that at 30, I’m still clueless when it comes to love. So I busy myself with photographing a new sweater and a fresh bouquet of flowers instead.

what i’m wearing: mum’s handmade loon up brownie cardigan & flower bouquet from the colvin co

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