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all my selves

Thursday, December 10, 2015




I feel like a Russian darling in this outfit, don’t ask me why. I also feel like P Diddy, again, no idea how. But I also feel like Frassy of 2013,  an era sprinkled with an absolute adoration of glitter. Those were also the unicorn obsessed days, should any of you have been around back then.  It was a long time ago now but it’s nice to rediscover styles that are reminiscent of my past self. The clothes I share here are photographic reminders of all the girls I once was. I’ll go through my archives and see a certain style or maybe a pair of shoes and they will remind me of all my different selves. In fact, self is such an interesting concept to me, are we always the same or do we change?I feel like every year since I left home I’ve shed a layer of skin and soul to step right into another one. I’ve been tossing and adding layers to myself with the speed of a sprint, and i don’t mean clothes, well that too, but mostly something more than that, that something more being self. I recently ranted on snapchat about us as women sadly placing pretty women on pedestals without considering how else we might idolize them. In fact whenever someone tells me I’m pretty, I am rather unimpressed. I’ll mumble thanks all the while wishing they hadn’t bothered saying anything at all. Thanking them is a social courtesy but it also falsely indicates an appreciation I don’t have for the kind words they gave me. To me it is the equivalent of being told that my hair is brown. I know that. I know I’m pretty. Now how often have you heard a woman say that? And should she say it, you would probably read it as arrogance, correct? But in the same ways my eyes factually tell me my hair is brown, my eyes also tell me I’m pretty. I decided to let these eyes of mine think that, that is how I know for certain that I am pretty. So when someone tells me something I decided to be true a long time ago, it is hardly a refreshing thing to hear. And it is the way they say it too, as if they are gifting me with the absolute best compliment. To be pretty is to be everything. How boring, how simple. Because you see my eyes? They are easy to fool, they will believe anything I tell them to believe. But this brain of mine? Commanding my brain to believe certain things is a far more tumultuous struggle. Am I smart? Do I tell good stories? Am I an interesting person to be around? Should I be learning more about say organic farming or perhaps the history of the language I speak everyday? Would my friends consider me sophisticated?  These are the sorts of things that plummet me down to  doubt and  my self confidence dives into non-existence. Hence why I collect and toss versions of myself ; a whirlwind attempt to grow up and expand into the self I know I should be. My prominent nose or the size of my forehead? Those things will never change, but my brain and the skills I can make it spin? Those are forever capable of improvement and I intend on adjusting and fine tuning this muscle with all the force I can. As for pretty, they can keep that aspiration. And the compliment too, I don’t need it nor do I seek it. And so as we all end one year to begin another, I hope you too shift between different versions of yourself. Jump between old and new ones too. Clutch at everything you can be and please don’t worry about being pretty, you already are, you always were. It is our minds that need more makeup. We need to skip the New Year diet and feed our brains instead. I hope you set out to build your self in  2016, and I say we should start by resolving to contour our skills rather than our cheeks. Yes, YES PLEASE.


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