WHAT I’M WEARING: PRETTY LITTLE THING SILKY SHIRT DRESS, OASIS DARCY SANDALS,
KAPTEN & SON MAUI TORTOISESHELL SUNGLASSES, FOREVER 21 CHOKER & PENDANT CHAINS
The city heat feels like fire, I can’t tolerate a bra or much makeup at all. All I could muster was this wrinkled but deliciously silky shirt dress, haphazardly tugged from the mountain that is my laundry room. As for the necklaces, they’ve been tangled up in my very salty hair since Saturday. If you asked me how I feel today, it would be met with a silence but then again, I’ve purposefullyand entirely avoided human contact today in hopes of finding some peace. When my anxiety spins vicious, the city scares me. Heaving with people I don’t want to know and cars aggressively speeding nowhere fast. There is no room for quiet or stillness, just an ever revolving, seemingly pointless chaos. I’ll be out on the streets, a panic will set in and it’s a sensation that intensifies in the same way dominoes collapse onto on another. Suddenly, I’m screaming inside, struggling to breathe while all around me is this inescapable frenetic movement that seizes my mind as I struggle to mentally abandon it. It makes me resentful of the city, particularly this one where I have no friends but than again, it’s a resentment built on nothing but inner emotional smoke. I guess I’ve never been a wholehearted lover of the concrete jungles of this world and the older I get, the more I yearn to trade it all in for an empty mountain or isolated beach. I don’t crave people in the way other people do, I feel most calm and most at one with myself, by myself. It’s ironic, all alone I never feel lonely, but Barcelona has a habit of closing in on me and when it does? It’s the loneliest sensation I’ve ever experienced. This will be the last city I live in, that much, I can promise myself. The earth is loose under my shoes. I’m saving and working hard for some peace and ease elsewhere.
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