what i’m wearing: karen millen sueded biker jacket, h&m grey marl turtleneck, j brand cropped jeans, zara navy heels, navy chanel bag & rotary lucerne watch
Life matches the skies, dulled and greying by the impending winter. I’m happy to spend most of my time tucked away in my apartment but the hours, they seem to melt by like wax; slowly and then all at once. I feel so many things, most of which are vague and hard to explain. But I fear coffee accelerates my brain in a crazy way. I drink 4 (or 7) lattes a day. Words mean a lot to me and so when people I love don’t articulate the things I need to hear, I begin to fantasize about running away. Running away, oh it’s a dream that’s sewn into my entire life. I even once made an attempt at 16. Not much has changed past 26. Inner peace? What on earth is that? Something I’ve perhaps only managed when I’m asleep, and even then my dreams soak right into morning, I carry them around until 2pm or so when they are dissolved by work distractions. There are 4 bridal boutiques in my neighbourhood, I hate their window displays. I resent all that pure, overpriced white. I walk past them every night, dressed in black lycra, soaked through by sweat from the gym, realizing it’s probable I’ll never be a bride. Truthfully, I never wanted to be one, but I would welcome the love that comes from the entire fiasco. I doubt I’ll ever share that kind of love with a man. It’s not in my bones to be adored at that magnitude. I know I could never do it. I’m forever trying to begin again. Everyone seems so self-assured, so boisterous with happiness and I’ve always wondered how? There are infinite possibilities in life, how do we know we are clutching at the right ones? Where do people find this calm; this sigh of relief, this ‘yes, this is where I should be’? I have no idea. The narrative of my life seems to have slowed, the plot paused, and this kaleidoscope of emotions and all this time (too much time) in my apartment, alone. Where do the days go? And why do I feel so strange? Not sad, not angry but utterly and simply, not right. Life feels too much but not enough and it’s all quite tiresome to think about. Thankfully, there are distractions like this new jacket in inky blue suede. I suppose that’s what ‘things’ are for, material solid objects to clutch and call our own in this life so full of vague, airy and taunting ‘what ifs’ …
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