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clean slate

Wednesday, June 24, 2015






A clean slate, a white wall full of glaring sun and an early morning to enjoy…. this is another reason I shifted most of my life back over to Spain because of the sun, when it’s grey inside my mind there is always the shine outside. And thank goodness for that glare that stares so hard, the sun in Spain demands to be felt, it leaves you little choice but to squint and sigh as you heat up. I like this, I crave it in a way. I know they say excessive sunshine is carcinogenic and indeed it probably is, but in a world so full of unnatural chemicals and poisons injected in everything we consume, I’d say the sun is the least malignant of the evils. I know some might disagree but then again, I’d disagree with your drinking or refined sugar habits. We all have our vices and the sun is surely mine. Quite often I get called out for things I write on here and on social media, personal words that fall from my fingertips on a whim. I am reprimanded for not living up to everyone’s ‘ideal’ and I really cannot stand that. I do try to offer inspiration but at the end of the day I am as lost as every other kindred soul. So why must I watch and re-edit everything I feel like saying? Why can’t we aim to be candid and perhaps make mistakes at times rather than trying to provide an endless faux source of inspiration for everyone? That’s more human, I find those words the most intriguing rather than those that are filtered to ensure no one gets angry or upset. I never offend but I cannot promise to uphold some sort of role model figure either, to be honest, I don’t want to be looked up to, I want to be understood and I want girls to read what I write and think, ‘wow, I feel like that too‘ and maybe feel a little less alone in their quiet struggles. So yes, I love the sun, I’m willing to forego future wrinkles. I foolishly over-spend on things like Diptyque and chia seeds so come the end of the month, I’m wondering how I can afford to get back to Paris for work. I adopted a puppy when I travel quite extensively, determined to make it work one way or another because I simply had to have a canine companion in my sometimes too-quiet life. I’ve cheated on boys in the past and that shame shifts within me sometimes. Work keeps me so busy that sometimes months can go by before I schedule in skype calls with my oldest friends. I didn’t finish the last book I was reading because I found it boring but then felt guilty for giving up on it. I’ve not worked on my own book for weeks now, too disheartened in the lack of publishers’ interest. I so often complain too much about things that make me seem spoilt. Yesterday I skipped the gym and took a nap instead, I still feel stupidly terrible about this. On Sunday, I ate my body weight in chocolate covered pretzels and then rolled around in anguish until bedtime. So no, don’t look up to me, look at me and think, hey, this girl is so much like me. That is simply all I seek. A camaraderie of sorts, words exchanged casually between friends , because we are friends. And if we aren’t? Get out of here, there are plenty of shoppable links elsewhere.


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