Warmth, we all crave it in the winter but the sun melts away so fast these days, it makes me sad. 5 pm feels more like almost midnight and I feel tired, uninspired, limp almost – truth be told, it’s a very mild winter in Barcelona, the cold here comes in other ways, for me at least. I could elaborate but I won’t, I will say this though, love is hard. It’s a warmth we all need as human beings, if only it was as easy as buying this beautiful cream coat from Zara for 40 euros.
You see, quite like when I bought the coat, I spontaneously and so easily slip into love to then later realize it lacks the duality I believed existed. You know me, I am incredibly open as a blogger, I pour words here about all kinds of ever shifting emotions and experiences; so you can imagine the intensity of this trait in real life.
Perhaps that makes me overwhelming or pushy but to curb my sentiments is an uncomfortable wrestle that I gave up. In a recent post I preach the importance of letting go of plans, expectations and so on; it is something I only learnt, it is still indeed a struggle but furthermore, deep down I’d quite like a middle ground where the future or what not could vaguely be discussed. A dear friend of mine claims I have something magic in me, but so far, I haven’t managed to cast a spell of any lasting power on any man so she must be full of shit (lol). I say that jokingly, I love her. When I look around at my friends: a collection of beautiful, successful, charimastic women that I have now known for many years, every single one of them is single or struggling rather than sailing through a difficult relationships. “What is wrong with us?” We type viciously across whatsapp. It baffles me.
I believe, over the years I have grown into the sort of woman that would make a welcomed candidate for a long-term partnership, and I am not referring to marriage, I don’t much want that or perhaps deep down I do, but fear it’s as likely as a vacation to the moon. Right now, a relationship with a second shared dog or real conversations and would suffice. Seriously if a moron like Donald Trump can become president than surely I should be able to find a man that wants to plan at least a vacation or a dog one day with me? And yet, here I am again, struggling for a second time in just one year. Not single but wondering what to do.
I am 2 years shy of almost 30, and am yet to obtain a solid relationship. I know many other women are in the same situation as I am and we all conclude our romantic troubles with the same self-abusive drivel, summarized in 4 words: It must be me. I refuse to believe that but also, I just don’t know, I could bore you with the infinite introspective negative thoughts I’ve come to but I won’t. You have heard them all before. I will say this though, love confuses the hell out of me and yet I crave it and need it like a coat. And I am ready to love, I am ready to make the sacrifices and the compromises and everything else, oh I am so ready, as ready as fat kid when there is cake baking in the oven. So yes, warmth is a comfort we all want it in the winter, but I need another type too.
Instead, I find myself waking up and drifting into dreams like moving city or into books about modern art or sex or ‘how to choose a partner’ – yes, that is a title I bought. If that’s not a sign of my confusion then I don’t know what is. I haven’t given up hope, in my current relationship or beyond but my conclusion is one of confusion: as always, pushing on and wondering.