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spring hopes for summer

Thursday, May 31, 2018

I’ve been cloudy recently. My mind matches this undecisive weather, the skies themselves even seem bored; tired, underwhelmed without the sun spring usually promises here in Spain. Now, I admit this, but I’m bored. It feels like nothing has changed in a long time and I find that tedious. My life has never been stable or even outlined by a routine, so this unexpected stint of ennui does nothing but inspire late afternoon naps, or very black coffee without even a drop of soy milk. I need every kick I can find. If not, I’m falling asleep. Truthfully, I was expecting spring to deliver adventures that never came, men I might be able to love and at the very least, one mild sun burn – that physical tinge that the warmth is soon to come. But here we are, the end of May dissolving into June and nothing has happened, not even one beach day. So what have I done? I’ve pushed all my hopes onto the next season. Summer, I tell myself, is when this year will truly begin. But will it? I wonder. I’m doubtful. I find myself a little lost in all my unfulfilled hopes. I’ve never been the type of person who needs certainty, so when nothing happens to challenge normalcy, I grow restless, I get tired, I complain. IS THIS ALL LIFE IS? I’ll dramatically sigh and while it’s terribly dramatic, horribly ‘first world’ bratty behaviour – I’m sure you feel this way too at times. I’m not expecting an invite to the Maldives nor a hugely paid project or a boyfriend, I’d just like more of the spontaneous, magic moments that the universe usually delivers with frequency to me. I had a spring and a summer last year brimming with them, I can barely remember them all. So what’s going on this year? In my frustration, I’ve been trying to force things in my life, every effort has proved fruitless, which leads to even deeper frustration. I’ve been hanging out with men I’m not that crazy about just to fill the time. I’m spending far too much time on ebay bidding on stuff late at night, ridiculous especially when it’s a long way to go until I’m paid. I’ve been putting off planning my summer travels because spring or the lack there of has left me more lethargic than winter. June is very full for me, and while I’m excited for all the souls and the travels coming my way next month, I’m too tired to even plan who is coming when and what we will do. Like I said, I’m just bored. And I’m never bored, so this listlessness is uncomfortable, strange, unnerving. I’ve been bored since April. But I guess life has it’s ebbs and flows and mine had to slow down to make room later for the high speed adventure that will be summer 2018. I’m holding onto that. I have my doubts but faithfully optimistic all the same.

what i’m wearing: danity black crochet detail dress, missguided mules & pretty little thing sunglasses

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