what i’m wearing: pretty little thing premium black faux fur jacket, pretty little thing premium lace panel tiered grey dress, golden lady tights, 4th & reckless grey ankle strap court heels & mini chanel bag
In the same way those red Starbucks cups are suddenly inescapable, the tights too have arrived. I don’t usually have anything positive to say about hoisery, generally it horrifies me and don’t get me started on the sweat-fest it is to hoist a pair over my legs. But, and here’s the silver lining: I stumbled across this brand with the very fun name of Golden Lady and officially, my complaints have dissolved. Impressively comfortable, when I got home, I tore the dress off but padded around in the tights all evening. So far, I can also make another grand promise, they are tear resistant. You probably won’t believe me because I wouldn’t if I read a blogger claim that, but this is an affirmation coming from a woman who tears tights before even stepping out of the house.
I have a dog and dog’s have claws. Biba didn’t break these those. Thank goodness because the grunge look is not one for me, I enjoy tailored blazers too much and I could never afford a tattoo because I spend all my ‘needle’ money on my lips (cue laughter, that joke was for the haters). But onto this dress, oh this dress. I like to think Florence Welch would wear this one, I do adore her. I went to see her live for the second time a few months ago and it seems like such a faraway time. It was the night after I went on my first ever date with my boyfriend and I look back on that time with such nostalgia already. It’s an affiliction to be in love with only the beginning of things and it’s one I surely suffer from. But then, it’s the beginnings that are always the most beautiful, the middle is the steady slow that then suddenly speeds into an end.
And I’m not referring solely to my relationship, which is probably still only starting or beginning to end; I don’t know. But before I digress, I’m referring to all the beginnings that have so far pushed their way through my life. I cling to those and I crave new ones. They always come, I suppose, like the dawn of everyday, so I shouldn’t be searching or yearning for them. I tend to forget that a beginning always means the end of another something. I never consider that. I just walk right ahead. I always have. But you already know, long ago I decided I wanted a grand story of a life, so many chapters there must be. Mine will always messily unravel into each other, there is no structure in this story of mine. And hey, that’s fine. I like it this way. I like not knowing. I enjoy the calm that comes with resisting the structure society makes us swallow. I will probably never get married. I will never have a ‘real job’. I have no idea where I’m from, the navy blue passport in my desk drawer tries to define me as American but I don’t feel so. All I truly know is that I know nothing, everything is likely to shift and change and any definition I might have of this life of mine will always dissappear.
I have always and will always, simply begin again. Begin, begin, begin. There is no end to how many times one can begin again, and that I suppose is the only truth to clutch at. I always inch towards a sort of sentimental craze this time of year. As we near the conclusion of another spin around the sun, I start looking over my shoulder at the past 12 months, followed by a confused squint onwards into the future. So much has happened this year, so much. I can barely believe it. And yet, so much of what occured took place inside the quiet walls of my head. I didn’t travel the world or meet a soulmate or adopt 8 puppies or join a commune like I dream of. In fact, I still haven’t manage to open the new business I hoped to, blogging is a very busy job. And yet, I feel this year to have been so full. I have learnt so much, I embraced my own ignorance, I opened my eyes to the uncertainity of it all. So many people I meet seem heavily self-assured, it scares me. They are bricks and I’m a leaf moveable by even the tamest breeze. I’m not claiming one mindset to be better than the other, but 2016 swept me up and blew me everywhere. And while it has been tumultous, it’s a whirlwind I crave for the year to come.
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